Self-sabotage - what am I afraid of?

I'm afraid I am weak. I am a follower. I want to please people and fit in. The reasons I drank last week:

  • I took my kids on a field trip and it was insanely stressful. I got no work done and I'm afraid I'm failing miserably with my work/life balance. When I'm at work, I feel guilty and miss my kids. When I'm with my kids, I'm afraid I'm not getting the shit done at work that I need to get done. I can have it all - just not at the same time.
  • I went to a kids craft event for Mother's Day with a few mom friends. They all were drinking and I ordered soda water at first and it was fine. Then I just decided to order a glass of wine to fit in. And then proceeded to have three more beers. What the hell? I mean come on. Even I am annoyed by myself after reading this. No willpower whatsoever and just cannot commit to this shit!

I don't want to disappoint people but then that leads to disappointing myself over and over and over again. I want to fall back on old habits because they are comfortable. I'm afraid to succeed and of the positive changes it will bring.