Growing in this sober journey

So, today is the Friday after July 4. I'm staying at home with the kids because it's a holiday week. But because I own a PR firm, I've got clients who have returned to work and there are lots and lots of projects to do, copy to write, people to respond to, images to caption, trees to shake - and all that jazz. And my husband played golf today. He has played golf every Friday since the kids were born. They are only four. But that means that for four years in a row, my husband has decided to play golf instead of spend time - doing anything - with the kids. His point is that he spends a lot of quality time with them. But my point is that there could be one Friday in the last 200 or so where he could plan a day to be with them.

His point also is they are only four. But that is my counterpoint point.

Yes, they are only four. And "they" means two. So when people say "I don't know how you do it with two the same age!" I think to myself honestly, "I don't know either!"

So when he decides to play golf on a Friday during a holiday week, I suppose it's lost on him that it all falls to me to try to entertain the boys, plan their meals, fight with light sabers, put batteries in remote control bumper cars and the whole shabang - while also running that pesky PR firm that provides for us financially. It's a lot. And I'm tired of acting like I've got it all handled because - Superwoman I am not.

I'm not on Pinterest sharing my latest marshmallow creation. But we are all fed and for the most part happy so we've got that going for us.

Yet this is where I have gotten into trouble in the past. I'm like "sure! Let me be all Polyanna about this and keep the house clean, wipe the kids' bottoms, do a thousand loads of laundry, wipe sticky peanut butter from plates, find an obscure toy they want to play with that was last seen around Christmas 2015 - ALL WHILE KEEPING A COMPANY AFLOAT. And I may as well try to still look  like I'm 21 and a little underweight - because, really, isn't that how a lot of people expect women to appear these days?

So here in lies the link to my previous dependence on alcohol, which I already know is not the answer.

A few weeks ago, I would have started pouring the wine around 3 and it would have gone downhill from there. By the time my husband came home, I would be surly and pissed and I would have slept like crapola and woken up with regret. Only to start at Day 1 again.

I mean, I'm at Day 5 AGAIN! so going back to Day 1 wouldn't be all that much of a big deal. Except it is.

Now, today I have thought about drinking. Of course I have! Maybe it will always be a Plan B in the back of my mind.

But I quickly dismissed it. I really don't want it. I thought about going out and getting a pack of cigarettes but I don't really want to start a habit that I quit more than 10 years ago. That's freaking absurd!

So here I am sitting with my feelings. I am allowing myself to be mad, slightly muffed, because you know golf is already the longest sport in the world but on top of that he had a rain delay today. So it's almost 8 and he's been gone for about 8 hours. Playing golf.

In case you are wondering, he is not a professional! He does not get paid playing golf. In that case, perhaps my perspective would be a wee bit different. LOL and all that jazz.

In the headspace app, I have learned that I will have thoughts. I can observe them, notice them and let them pass. And I will. I won't let it build up. I won't look to something else to drown out my frustration (except maybe this blog and Instagram!). And this too shall pass.

So there. Take that.

100 days I'm coming for you.